Big things are happening in my life. Wonderful, Adventure filled, Once-In-A-Lifetime things.
However, when I get to thinking...imagining...planning I usually just end up worrying.
Worry follows me around. He sits on my shoulder and asks me silly questions about scenarios that I have no control over.
He takes up residence and tries to make me believe awful things:
"Money spent on your birthday now is just like stealing from yourself later, you know. You'll wish you had saved it next fall when you are trying to buy Christmas gifts for Oliver," He jeers when Jesse asks me what I'd like to do or receive this coming week.
Worry stifles my motivation, making room for his favorite guest, Apathy.
Apathy permeates all thought and reason, descending upon me like heavy fog that won't disperse.
For instance, I need to finish the pillow I promised Beatrice for CHRISTMAS! All I need to do is sew the perimeter, flip the cover, and stuff in the pillow that I ALREADY made.
Apathy's brooding shadow sneaks up behind me and says,
"Della, To do that you would have to pull out the sewing machine, and then to use it you would have to clean a space at the desk, and it's cold in that room anyway, and once you decide to go to all that trouble, you may just find that your pillow and cover don't fit each other...that sort of thing always seems to happen...so there's one more problem you have to fix. And besides, once you finish it you'll just have to get dressed and take it to the post office anyway...and judging from the stack of outgoing letters and cards sitting on your desk from last OCTOBER, you know you'll never get sent, so why even worry about finishing the project until a few days before your next trip to Salt Lake anyway. So really, what's the point?"
Apathy has me so thoroughly convinced that my efforts get me nowhere...
...and if a simple pillow cover has that effect, Just imagine what happens when Maryland, moving, and May are introduced...
Instead of quieting my mind and converting negative thoughts to positive action the way I imagine a normally functioning human brain might, it seems easier just to listen...
I find myself ignoring texts, phone calls, and emails because I can't seem to commit to anything...whether it be primary meetings and visiting teaching, planning outings and trips, or carrying on any sort of conversation ...Isn't that selfish? Awful, I know! Please forgive me.
Everyday my resolve is different. Yesterday I accomplished every task on my list, but I only cleaned the kitchen today because I bribed myself with Florence and the Machine's Lungs: The B-sides...and then ignored every other task that wasn't vitally important for survival and spent too long at the grocery store because it was nice to be away from all the things that I should have been doing at home.
I keep trying to remind myself that Worry and Apathy are no more than a couple of bullies and I just need to show them who's boss.
I wake up in the morning and try to tell myself to take things one step at a time, to enjoy where I am at instead of worrying about things I cannot change, stay busy, be productive, and for heaven's sake open the blinds and enjoy the sunlight!
I know that a grand adventure is right around the corner for me and my little family, and I know that Jesse and I made the right decision. Don't get me wrong, I'm looking forward to making the most of it.
I just wish I could get on with it instead of waiting for time to slowly pass...
I have considered the idea that I'm just a pansy and not as mature or responible as I'd like to think that I was, but I'd like to give myself more credit than that. Maybe I should just get over it. That's so much easier said than done though.
The bottom line is that this business of sitting around and trying to plan for something so thoroughly unknown and intimidating is throwing off my groove in a big way.
What are my favorite songs from the B-sides you ask? Swimming and Heavy in Your Arms in particular. Yes, I did listen to them over and over and over. Apparently Heavy in your Arms is part of the Breaking Dawn soundtrack...but I am determined to not let that change how I feel about it.
The title of this post is from a song called "Apathy" from Elizabeth and the Catapult's album Taller Children.