One Whole Year

Hey! Guess what!

As of today, we have officially lived in Maryland for ONE.WHOLE.YEAR!

It's been bumpy, and it has been long. In many ways, it's been the hardest thing we've ever done. 

However, at the same time, it's been an adventure. A great, big, exciting adventure. 

We celebrated today by helping a couple from Utah unload their moving truck a couple of streets over. They've also come for the Physician Assistant program and they've been nice enough to let us take care of them the way that others took care of us last year. Hopefully they don't feel like we're killing them with kindness.

Oliver chose to celebrate by partying it up in the "BIG HUGE moving truck."

I want to thank all of our friends and family for their kindness and love. We've made it through a whole year of PA school in a new place with a young child. We've appreciated every phone call, every letter, every visit, every treat, every gift, and every encouraging word. From everyone.

It's hard not to be intimidated by the upcoming year, but I know that somehow, together, we're going to be just fine.

Resolve: 2013

It is the nineteenth, and I'm finally getting around to resolutions...

Because I'm on top of life...

Not.


Some days I feel like the world spins faster than I can keep up with.

There is just so much that I want to do...


I want to explore the current setting of my life, expand my mind, learn to knit, finish the Old Testament, and fill the empty pages in my journal with thoughts, memories, and love notes to my posterity.

I want to read a mountain of literature, learn the history of my family, write more letters, improve my relationships, sing more show tunes, maybe even try my hand at embroidery.

I want to taste new flavors, organize my belongings, make a quilt, play with  my son, and surround myself with that which I believe to be beautiful.


I want to write, create, photograph, learn, and dream.


I want to win my fight with apathy,

To forget about anxiety.


I want to stop the world from spinning away from me

I want to approach my life deliberately, with intention and purpose.

I want to be present.

And I want to be happy.

Handwritten Legacy

I love the idea of a family legacy; something handed down from an ancestor.

I love the way that an item that once was commonplace, and seemingly of little value or worth, over time transforms into an object that demonstrates that life was lived, and gives insight into certain aspects of that life.

On Christmas Eve, I spent the day with my mother, sister, and grandmother collecting such treasures of legacy from three generations of women who came before me.

Lucy Ann's charm bracelet and crafting supplies, Frankie's sewing basket and it's contents, Virginia's tin of buttons, Nancy's cookbook, the pattern for the dress my mother wore at her wedding reception, and a copy of the Bywater family turkey dressing recipe, handwritten, with all of it's stains and smudges in full glory.

If you know me, then you will know that this copy of the handwritten recipe was one of my favorite treasures of those I took with me that day, as I especially love all things pertaining to food, tradition, and handwritten.

This is the recipe sheet that my grandmother uses each time she begins preparing our family's traditional holiday meal. It is written on the back of a student schedule from Cyprus High school, where she worked for many years as a counselor. It is in her handwriting. It shows the corrections that were made over time as our family grew. When it is not in use, it waits in a little black binder full of recipes, notes, and menus from previous meals for the holiday season to roll around again.

I love knowing that when I use this recipe to make turkey dressing for my own family, I will get to see what she sees each time she makes it. I will be able to make it exactly the way that she does, and recreate the taste of my childhood Thanksgivings and Christmases for my children and grandchildren.

One day, when I am teaching my own granddaughters to cook the traditional holiday meal, I will pull this recipe out and show them her handwriting, and tell them all of the beautiful memories I have of holidays in my grandparents' kitchen.


That is the magic of handwritten recipes.

That is the gift of tradition.

That is a family legacy.

Keep Walking and Give Time a Chance

A peek into my head lately...this seems to be on a continuous loop:

"Do you see the magnificence in giving time a chance 

to whittle your problems down to a manageable size?"

"How happy people are who have learned to bend to

the rhythm of paced and steady progress - even to

celebrate and delight in the ordinaries of life?"

-Virginia H. Pearce

full text found here

In My Favorite Dream

Jesse often asks me where I think I might like to go once he finishes PA school, and the honest truth is that I don't know.

Besides a cruise with the Lambertsens, I don't have any solid plans.

I can't pick a city or state. I'm uncertain about whether I want to live rural or urban. I don't know that I will insist on living near family once again, or if I will crave more adventure and new experiences. It's entirely possible that I will want to stay exactly where I'm at...

Maybe, the fact that my head and heart won't settle on even the mere idea of a location, not even for the sake of conversation, is their way of telling me to learn to love where I'm at. To be present in my life now rather than waste the days away waiting for the future to unfold

I can, however, tell you that in my favorite dream I am surrounded by people that I love...my friends and family all in the same neighborhood.

That we live life...

Share meals, run errands, fill leisure time, build homes, and raise families.

Serving one another.

Together.

I Find Myself Dreaming of Mountains-

The majestic, sky-sweeping, mountains of my youth.

I think of them often, and whenever I do, my heart skips a beat.

They are magnificent.

photo credit

I cannot believe that I once had the privilege of seeing them every single day of my existence.

I didn't even have to look, they were always in view.

I took so much for granted then.

So much more than mountains.

My hope is that I will find such beauty in my life here in Maryland

that when it comes time to leave,

I will miss the forest as well.

An Angsty Post About Making New Friends

So...

Tonight I went out with a couple of girls in the ward.

Window shopping. An activity which I sincerely love.

I had so much fun, I couldn't stand it.

Now I am home and I can't stop thinking...

Was I awkward? Did I over share? Did I apologize too much? Did I stay too long? Did they invite me because they wanted to get to know me or do they just feel bad for me?

Making new friends is a little bit scary for me...Remember how I worry? A lot?

But here's the thing:

I have a lot of spectacular friends.

Friends who love and support me.

Friends who think I'm funny and interesting even if we are just running errands together...or sitting around watching tv...or making jam...or cleaning...or studying...or eating taco soup...or eating anything, really.

I think I need to remember that there was a time when I didn't know those women very well either.

And it was probably awkward then too, but we became friends anyway.

I need to remember that I am enough just the way I am.

And that I am good at finding great friends.

Or that great friends are good at finding me.

Whichever the case may be.

Yes, I am Swimming...

I was driving home from the Young Women activity tonight, enjoying the rare opportunity of having time to myself, listening to Florence and the Machine's "Swimming," and thinking...deeply.

I remembered Henry B. Eyring's encouragement:

"... ask yourself, “How did God bless me today?” If you do that long enough and with faith, you will find yourself remembering blessings. And sometimes, you will have gifts brought to your mind which you failed to notice during the day, but which you will then know were a touch of God’s hand in your life."

My thoughts led me to consider the many blessings that have graced my life in recent weeks. Many very pronounced, straightforward, and undeniable. Others harder to discern, yet still apparently deliberate. All of them in abundance.

I then arrived at the same irrefutable conclusion that I always do:

I am loved.

In Which We Learned How Lucky We Were:

We went to church yesterday and heard all sorts of crazy talk about last Friday's storm...

Did you know that some people lost hundreds of dollars in frozen food in their freezers?

Did you know that some people are still without power and may be without until friday or longer?

Did you know that the usual morning commute traffic was about 8 billion times worse this morning because traffic lights are out all over the state?

Did you know that whole shopping centers are still without power

Did you know that some people had their roofs ripped off?

Did you know that one county's water system was affected and now the whole county is being asked to conserve water wherever possible until further notice?

Did you know that people are dying because of the heat?

We invited a family who was still without power to our house for dinner last night. We showed movies in our living room and made popcorn for the kids. We let the adults use the internet to finish and submit a paper for school.

They kept apologizing for crashing at our house...I kept insisting that it was no trouble. I know they would have done the same for us.

We are so lucky to be safe and comfortable.

{Feels like Home}



Flowers from my sweet visiting teachers.



I love to go to Sam's Club...

Lately, I wish I could go every single day of the week (Though I won't. That would be budget suicide).

I love how familiar it feels. It's just a big warehouse with stacks of merchandise. But there are no windows, and therefore, I can pretend that I'm at the Sam's on State Street or on 2100 South. Besides the layout and a few unfamiliar brands, it looks exactly the same.

It looks like home.

Jesse loves to listen to music when he's in the car...

He's been hooked on a mix he made the summer that we were engaged.

"It sounds the same as it always did in Utah" he said.

It sounds like home.

We love our furniture...

I can't imagine how depressing it would be to walk into an empty house, day after day, always sitting on the floor and sleeping on an air mattress.

I know that sounds silly and shallow, but we had seriously considered leaving.it.all. The cost and hassle of moving it seemed so ridiculous compared to how much any of it is really worth. However, replacing it here would have been impossible. We decided that it was worth the cost of moving to have a place where we could be most comfortable.

I'm glad we did, and I would do it all over again.

It's comfortable, like home.

We both love to sit down to dinner...

Tonight, I made Zesty Chicken. It's a recipe that my Grandma Lucy has prepared my whole life long. Probably longer. It is delectable. It smelled so good and reminded me of Sunday dinner with my family. I took the first bite and closed my eyes, taking in the taste (this was a particularly good batch...my personal best) and, for half a minute, I swore I was in my old seat at Grandma's table.

There's something about food and the way it plays with your senses.

I think you know exactly what I mean.

It tastes like home.

Most of all, we love to be together.

More than ever before.

I'm having a difficult time finding the right words to describe the way our love for one another is transforming...I'll work on it and get back to you.

Suffice it to say that something magical is happening, and whenever I'm with Jesse,

It feels like home.

"The world doesn't seem such a howling wilderness as it did last night. I'm so glad it's a sunshiny morning...I'm glad it's not rainy today because it's easier to be cheerful and bear up under affliction on a sunshiny day. I feel that I have a good deal to bear up under. It's all very well to read about sorrows and imagine yourself living through them heroically, but it's not so nice when you really have them, is it?" (From L. M. Montgomery's Anne of Green Gables)

Yesterday was pretty rough, but I'm feeling much better. It's amazing what a good night's sleep and a couple of small miracles in the form of an ipod and verizon fios rewards will do for perspective. Thanks to all for sweet words of encouragement and validation.

Sometimes I forget about what wonderful and supportive friends and family we have because we feel so isolated where we are now.

I really am the luckiest.

Thanks especially to Melinda, Kristen, Kiana, Jessica, Heather, and Connie for leaving great advice and encouragement.

You're going to laugh at me when I say this, because many of you, my dear blog readers who I am so fond of, have had it a lot worse than me....also, admittedly, I'm a little dramatic.

I'm 23.

And these 23 years of my life have been easy.

So easy.

And I knew that.

But this...

...Maryland, PA School, Settling into a new place, Missing my family and friends, Trying to keep track of every single penny, everything...

THIS IS HARD FOR ME.

REALLY HARD.

I'm trying to pull myself up by my boot straps. Just do it. Because it's really not that bad.

It could be so much worse.

It could be an actual trial, like a serious illness of my child, or infertility, or divorce...

And besides...I was part of every decision made.

Actually, since I'm super bossy, I made most of the decisions.

I chose to do this.

Not to mention, we've only been here for a month.

But it was all I could do yesterday not to call my dad up and beg, BEG him to come and help me register my car so I wouldn't have to do all of the research, and make all of the decisions, and face all of those safety inspection and car registration people by myself. From what I've heard so far, registration can actually be a rather hellacious experience in the state of Maryland, and Jesse barely has time to breath, let alone help with car registration (except he's going to help anyway, because he's extraordinary).

But seriously, Dad, will come to my house next week? I'll tickle your back...

Anyway, I'll be fine. We will be fine. It will all be fine.

I'm making friends, I think. And all of my family and friends from home have been so supportive.

We've got each other. Jesse and I both seem to have bad days, but at least they are never the same day.

And Oliver ALWAYS makes us laugh.

We have firm testimonies of the gospel and know where to turn for strength. guidance, and peace.

Everything will turn out...

I think I know that.

Just don't think I'm too weak when I admit that I have wished to come home almost every day this week.

Happy Father's Day

Oliver and I are so blessed to have such a dedicated and loving man to support and care for us. He works with such diligence to provide for our needs and guarantee a successful future for our family.

Oliver and Jesse at Arlington National Cemetary 6/9/12

Today we are also grateful for the love and support we receive in abundance from our fathers and grandfathers.

I am especially grateful for mine. My dad and grandpa have always cheered for my victories and supported me in my trials. They have provided me with unforgettable experiences and taught me valuable lessons. They are easily approachable in times of need and whenever I ask, they are willing. In fact, they often express that they wish they could have done more.

My little family is so lucky to be a part of theirs.

Sometimes I Envy Oliver J.

His life is one happy round of simplicity and innocence.

His only responsibilities are to have fun, use his manners, and listen to his Mama.

He hasn't a single worrisome or doubtful thought in his body.

Of the three of us, he is the best adjusted to our new life.

I'm so glad, though.

That's really the way it ought to be.

Mrs. Alger

From my journal, December 20th 2011:

"Ann is fifty-something, but talks with me like we are the same age. She wears purple mascara on weekdays and has FUN...Ann likes to be called Mrs. Alger rather than Ann. She believes it is best to call everyone by their highest title...she calls me Mrs. Moses. She once had a set of 15 garden flamingoes and makes the best soup I have ever tasted. The Very Best. I think she is my favorite part about Malad."

When Jesse and I first moved here, Ann and I were assigned as Visiting Teaching partners. She took Ollie and me on a tour of the town and bought me lunch at the drive in. She wanted me to feel welcome...

She always had a sincere compliment and a bright smile.

She proved that a sophisticated woman could also be a whimsical one.

I treasured our conversations about motherhood and the mysteries of the gospel.

I loved hearing her firm testimony, which she shared willingly and often.

She was a superb example of a righteous woman.

I truly considered her to be one of my dearest friends, though I only knew her short time.

Today I learned that my sweet friend, Mrs. Alger, passed away suddenly last week from very serious medical complications.

I am a little bit heartbroken...

Disquiet

I'm a worrier.

It's just something I do.

Dad says I come by it honestly.

I worried so much in first grade that I had a constant stomachache.

One night when I was in fourth grade I laid in my bed worrying late into the night about nothing at all...I was distraught. Finally my mom came down and rubbed my tummy until I fell asleep. She must have been so annoyed.

When I was in eighth grade I decided to quit worrying...about math in particular. I was so bad at it. It never made sense. It was easier just to ignore it...until Mr. Shiner emailed my dad and he showed up at school and had me called to the office...from then on I faked it until my freshmen year at college when it made sense for half a second.

Lately there's one specific thing on my mind.

You guessed it.

It gives me heartburn. Sends me crazy dreams. Keeps me sleepy.Treated me to my first panic attack.

I worry about where we will live, how we'll make ends meet, what will happen at home while I'm gone...

At least I have memories of those peaceful moments from this journey's quiet beginning when my heart was calm and my head was resoundingly clear...

They remind me that somehow, through some miracle, all this worry will have been worth it.

"Oh, Apathy Don't Patronize Me..."

Big things are happening in my life. Wonderful, Adventure filled, Once-In-A-Lifetime things.
However, when I get to thinking...imagining...planning I usually just end up worrying.

Worry follows me around. He sits on my shoulder and asks me silly questions about scenarios that I have no control over.

He takes up residence and tries to make me believe awful things:

"Money spent on your birthday now is just like stealing from yourself later, you know. You'll wish you had saved it next fall when you are trying to buy Christmas gifts for Oliver," He jeers when Jesse asks me what I'd like to do or receive this coming week.

Worry stifles my motivation, making room for his favorite guest,  Apathy.

Apathy permeates all thought and reason, descending upon me like heavy fog that won't disperse.

For instance, I need to finish the pillow I promised Beatrice for CHRISTMAS! All I need to do is sew the perimeter, flip the cover, and stuff in the pillow that I ALREADY made.

Apathy's brooding shadow sneaks up behind me and says,

"Della, To do that you would have to pull out the sewing machine, and then to use it you would have to clean a space at the desk, and it's cold in that room anyway, and once you decide to go to all that trouble, you may just find that your pillow and cover don't fit each other...that sort of thing always seems to happen...so there's one more problem you have to fix. And besides, once you finish it you'll just have to get dressed and take it to the post office anyway...and judging from the stack of outgoing letters and cards sitting on your desk from last OCTOBER, you know you'll never get sent, so why even worry about finishing the project until a few days before your next trip to Salt Lake anyway. So really, what's the point?"

Apathy has me so thoroughly convinced that my efforts get me nowhere...

...and if a simple pillow cover has that effect, Just imagine what happens when Maryland, moving, and May are introduced...

Instead of quieting my mind and converting negative thoughts to positive action the way I imagine a normally functioning human brain might, it seems easier just to listen...

I find myself ignoring texts, phone calls, and emails because I can't seem to commit to anything...whether it be primary meetings and visiting teaching, planning outings and trips, or carrying on any sort of conversation ...Isn't that selfish? Awful, I know! Please forgive me.

Everyday my resolve is different. Yesterday I accomplished every task on my list, but I only cleaned the kitchen today because I bribed myself with Florence and the Machine's Lungs: The B-sides...and then ignored every other task that wasn't vitally important for survival and spent too long at the grocery store because it was nice to be away from all the things that I should have been doing at home.

I keep trying to remind myself that Worry and Apathy are no more than a couple of bullies and I just need to show them who's boss.

I wake up in the morning and try to tell myself to take things one step at a time, to enjoy where I am at instead of worrying about things I cannot change, stay busy, be productive, and for heaven's sake open the blinds and enjoy the sunlight!

I know that a grand adventure is right around the corner for me and my little family, and I know that Jesse and I made the right decision. Don't get me wrong, I'm looking forward to making the most of it.

I just wish I could get on with it instead of waiting for time to slowly pass...

I have considered the idea that I'm just a pansy and not as mature or responible as I'd like to think that I was, but I'd like to give myself more credit than that. Maybe I should just get over it. That's so much easier said than done though.

The bottom line is that this business of sitting around and trying to plan for something so thoroughly unknown and intimidating is throwing off my groove in a big way.

What are my favorite songs from the B-sides you ask? Swimming and Heavy in Your Arms in particular. Yes, I did listen to them over and over and over. Apparently Heavy in your Arms is part of the Breaking Dawn soundtrack...but I am determined to not let that change how I feel about it.

The title of this post is from a song called "Apathy" from Elizabeth and the Catapult's album Taller Children.

Wow. I think I need an attitude check...

My Mom Jeans

The other day I was monologuing to Ashley Beatrice about how stylish I used to be, and how I used to have friends to play with, and how my music library was always up to date with my current favorite songs and artists, and so on and so forth...

She wouldn't hear it. Do you know what she said?

"Go put on your mom jeans and get to work!"

That's why I love her.

She's right you know...I may not have everything I used to, but I'm pretty lucky to have the things I have.

That's what we call wisdom.

She also said "Do you realize that we live in different states and neither of those states is Utah? That's crazy."

I'm gonna agree with her...that is COMPLETELY out of control.

{Where I'm From}

I am from the maroon bedroom carpet, summer road trips, and ballet lessons.

I am from warm red brick and four windows on a busy street.

I am from snowy winters, daffodils that bloom too soon, and mountains, Oh the Mountains!

I am from blue eyes, long legs, tuna fish gravy on toast, and five people with one bathroom.

I am from Miriam and Nathaniel, but call me Than...not Nathan or Nate, and dearest friends who have become family.

From John and Lucy Ann: Adventure South, a dead ox, the Ajax Underground Store, a green pioneer bench, and "You are a great Brain."

I'm from Sunday Dinners, Christmas Eves, Whipping Cream, and beautiful china table settings.

From Donald and Lucille: Grandmother to everyone, fresh peas from the garden, a farm with a crooked gate, rainbow noodles, paper dolls, and the descendant of a shoebox.

I am from temples, family history, testimonies, and the blessings of tithing.

I am from making memories, saying Thank Yous, and "Don't sell that at the yard sale."

Inspiration at Metropolitan Mama
Original writing prompt found here.
Photo by Bree