12 More Sleeps

This was another draft of a post that I found from months ago, July 28th to be exact. I think when I wrote it I was afraid that maybe it was too personal? Or too sappy? Or too something. But I read it today and realized that it was just right, and needed to be recorded where I wouldn't forget it.

In May, Jesse and I made a plan for the summer:

He would go to work way up north, I would stay in Cedar City to take my classes, Oliver would stay with me, and we would meet every other weekend in Salt Lake to be a family for a couple of days.

If you had asked how I felt about it I would have told you I was afraid.

Terrified of starting school again. Anxious about the responsibility of being the only parent available to provide for the needs of my child. Concerned that my baby might forget his father. Afraid of missing Jesse too much, and worse, frightened that my constant need for independence might not allow me to miss him at all.

June 5th came and our plan was set in motion. It soon became apparent that math and I would be fast friends, there were plenty of people willing to help me be a successful single parent to Oliver, and Jesse was still Oliver J.'s very favorite noun (besides his bottle at bedtime). Though I wasn't crying myself to sleep every night pining for Jesse, I sure wasn't going to miss a Friday night date if I could help it, and so it was that visits to Salt Lake were bumped up to every weekend. 

Should you ask me how I feel about it now, with only 12 more sleeps until Malad, I would say that I am grateful.

Grateful for support from those who love me most, lessons learned, and the chance for a new start.

Looking back, I can see so much more than the trial. Though I would never choose to do it again, I would also never want to give back the things I learned.

I now have a real relationship with Cami and Megan, my sisters in law...not just a, "well, we're related."  I feel so much love, trust, respect, and appreciation for them. I'm genuinely going to miss living so close to them and spending time with them regularly.

With so much time apart from Jesse, I've had plenty of opportunities to reflect.

Before Jesse left, things were good, but there was so much room for improvement... So many ways to practice more patience, show more love, and have more fun. There was so much that I couldn't see because I allowed myself to become too serious, too busy, and overcomplicated. 

Our relationship was swell, our parenting was fine, and our life was pleasant, but I want my life to be so much better than 'good'. I want motherhood, marriage, and life to be exquisite.

How blessed I am to have had the opportunity to see that.